Ballbreaker
by the fame monsters
Summary: You were such a super guy 'til the second you got a whiff of me. —Bro!Fic, SasuSaku, KibaIno, SuiKa, NejiTen.
1. i gots an idea

**Notes: **'sup bitches.

* * *

**1**

"Your sister's a fuckin' bitch." Suigetsu chucked his phone across the garage and grabbed the entire box of wings off Sasuke's toolbox. The thing about having a girlfriend was they expected you to have money. No. Who the fuck can afford a large popcorn _and_ candy at the movies, anyway? Let alone dinner afterward? It'd be cheaper just to pay for a hooker.

"Watch your fucking mouth." Sasuke was brandishing a socket wrench as he looked up from the engine of his car.

"Buy her flowers," said Naruto.

"I didn't fuck up this time!"

"Pathetic," said Neji. He was sitting in the passenger seat of Sasuke's car, his feet hanging over the side. He hadn't even touched the pizza or wings.

"Dude, what's your prob—_the fuck?_" Suigetsu looked at the ground, searching for what Kiba had chucked at his head. Fucking pizza crust? Seriously? What a waste. He snatched it off the garage floor, thinking _five second rule_. When he looked up, Naruto, Kiba, and Sasuke were giving him the death glare. "WHAT?"

"_Tenten_," whispered Naruto. "She moved. Remember?"

"That was like a week ago!"

"You're such a dumbass," said Kiba.

Suigetsu blinked, nibbling the half-eaten crust Kiba had thrown at him. Why did Neji's chick move again? She was, like, such a legit bro—whenever these assholes got on his nerves coz they weren't on his level, he would hang out with Tenten. She knew what he was talking about, that psychopath.

And, like, ever since she left Neji's been such a prissy bitch—more than usual! It was so annoying, like, Suigetsu really wanted to shove him down a hill.

This needed some remedy before his balls broke any more.

"Hey," he said, pointing the stump of the crust toward his stupid friends. "I gots an idea."

"No."

Motherfuckers never even let him talk!

"Let's go see Tenten."

There was a moment of silence as they all looked up at him, their facial expressions in the usual one Suigetsu was used to seeing when he proposed a pretty legit idea.

Naruto scrunched his face up. "Are you stupid?"

"No, are YOU stupid? Let's go on a road trip!"


	2. i call shotgun

**Notes: **"What have I told you about fighting?" "Kick 'em in the nuts?" "Yup."

* * *

**2**

Sasuke dropped his duffle-bag on the driveway, eyes half-lidded and bleary. Who the hell is awake at four in the morning? Unless you're just getting back from a bar or some sort of adventure that involved a lot of alcohol, you _should not be awake at four in the morning_. Clearly this was, yet again, a fact that Suigetsu was not informed about.

He threw his head back and walked towards the trunk, dragging the bag along with him.

He just wanted to sleep, okay?

And since when did any of them agree?

Sasuke sat on his throne, missing the keyhole to start the ignition three times before he gave up and slumped in his seat. He knew staying up beating Resident Evil: Code Veronica for the nth time had been a bad idea. Wait, no, it had been a legit idea. Being friends with Suigetsu was a bad idea… Being friends with _all of them_ was a bad idea.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath to regain his concentration… And dozed off.

Until his cellphone began to vibrate inside the pocket of his hoodie. Sasuke groaned and decided took the device out, not even bothering to look at the caller as he answered with a gruff, "What do you want, motherfucker?"

"_I know you're falling 'sleep."_

"…That's disturbing."

"_Just hurry your ass up, then!"_

Sasuke threw the phone to the backseats, glaring as the engine roared to life and glaring even harder as he reversed out of his driveway and down the streets.

Every last one of those fuckers slammed the hell out of the trunk after throwing their bag in. Squished between Naruto—who was already snoring with his face plastered against the window—and Kiba in the back, Suigetsu poked his head forward, saying, "I call shotgun after Neji."

"No."

"Why the fuck does he get shotgun, anyway?" asked Kiba, glaring out the window.

"Because unlike you dickfaces, Neji doesn't try to mess with the radio or otherwise be a pain in my ass. Now put your goddamn seat belts on and shut up." He put the car into gear and craned his head around, pausing just long enough to hiss, "And Suigetsu, you eat anything in my car, you ride in the trunk. Got it?" before peeling out of the parking lot and onto the road with a screech.

Fucking fantastic, he thought, only seventy-two more hours until they reached Ame. He blasted the AC and turned the radio up as loud as it would go. He was already fucking exhausted.


	3. is that cannibalism or?

**Notes:** Suigetsu equals love. The dude's legit. Also thanks for not demanding SasuSaku from the get go. We promise the wait will be worth it~

* * *

"Yeah, can I get a large soda, an egg McMuffin, three hash browns, some cinnamelts, and one of those breakfast burritos. Wait, no, that shits only a dollar? Give me two breakfast burritos. And fuck it. Throw in one of those pancake platters with the eggs and biscuit and shit."

Suigetsu scrounged around in his pockets to cough up enough money for his part of the bill and then filled his cup up with some Hi-C. They'd been on the road for almost five fucking hours without a single thing to eat.

Collapsing into one of the chairs, he moaned. "I'm witherin' away into nothing. This is tortureeee. I'm not gonna surviiiive. Fuck this triiiip."

"Jesus, shut up already. We're the ones who've had to listen to your whining all morning," said Kiba.

"I dunno why you guys don't just sleep. Time flies that way."

"Pfft," Sui took a swig from his drink. "Ain't no one sleeping in that ice box."

He shot a glance at Sasuke, expecting him to start flipping his shit, but he was staring off into space and guzzling a cup of coffee.

"Bro, you sure you're good to drive?" asked Sui.

Sasuke looked up from his cup, dark blue circles under his eyes and skin as pale as a sheet. In a split second, his jaw tightened and his eyes narrowed into threatening slits. Suigetsu sat up a little straighter. "Never mind."

Seriously! If he loved the car so much, why didn't he just marry it! Kinda like how he would love to marry food. But that relationship wouldn't last long because he'd end up eating his wives.

Was that cannibalism or...?

Suigetsu shrugged and slurped at his drink. Ahhhh, Hi-C was so much better than coffee; that shit was disgusting. Actually, stupid Sasuke didn't even like coffee! If anything he was chugging it down so he could stay up and drive some more coz he didn't want to share the driver's seat!

Selfish prick.

"Why are they taking so long, I'm so hungry," he whined, slouching in his seat until his knees hit Naruto's, who sat across from him. "This is tortureeee."

"I'm going to kill you," Neji hissed, crisply, from Naruto's left. "I'm going to kill you and make you eat yourself."

Was that cannibalism or...?

"Dude, talk about disgustin'."

"Order 172!"

Suigetsu perked up, practically skipping in his step as he scurried to grab the double trays of food.

I now pronounce you Man and Wife! He snickered to himself, taking an enormous bite of a hashbrown.

This... This was heaven.


	4. are we there yet?

**Notes:** Hi, thanks for the reviews (:

* * *

"Are we there yet?"

Sasuke twitched, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel and slowly picking up his speed.

In the backseat, Suigetsu moaned, rubbing his stomach and shifting around until he was laying half on top of Naruto and the other half on top of Neji. The little shit did it to piss them all off, Sasuke knew. Suigetsu was a little shit, he should ride in the trunk.

"Are we there yet?"

It was passed midnight and the road was empty save for his precious Camero. Smirking, Sasuke picked up his speed, letting the gas-petal practically lay flat on the ground. His smirk widened when, next to him, Kiba sat up, feet dropping from the dashboard and the others shifted uncomfortably.

"Oh jeezus 'rist, we gon' die! Someone stop hidsnfdks!"

"Dude!"

Sasuke snorted, cutting into the other lane to throw his moronic friends around a bit. What the fuck did they have to complain about? Were they the ones stuck driving in the middle of the night with a bunch of dickfaces in their car? No. So they could kindly shut the—

It all happened at once. Suigetsu and Naruto started screaming at the top of their lungs. Kiba was pointing out the windshield, hollering, "Deer! Deer! Deer! Deer!" Neji was the only one to keep his shit together as Sasuke slammed on the breaks, the tires squealing as they left a mile long skid down the road. The deer looked up, its ears twitching, eyes flashing in the headlights.

Sasuke was one step short of shoving the break clean through the floor. "Move," he said, gripping the steering wheel, trying not to think about how he was fucking up his tires. He laid on the horn, screaming, "Move, you stupid fucking deer! Move!"

The deer didn't move. It stared right at them as if they were playing chicken. Sasuke let out a string of curses, spinning the wheel. At that moment, the deer jumped like a dumbass right into the tail end of the Camero. The car finally came to a stop on the shoulder, a cloud of dust surrounding it. Sasuke threw open the door. "You have to be fucking kidding me. You have _to be fucking kidding me_. Stupid fucking deers."

He circled his car twice, gritting his teeth when he passed his smashed tail light.

"Everything okay back there?" asked Naruto, his head peeking out the back window.

Sasuke kicked a rock, racking his hands through his hair. "No. Nothing is okay. Everything is really fucking far from okay."

He did another lap around the car, purposely avoiding meeting the eyes of his friends. He really wanted to punch something and their faces would've been too inciting. It took ten minutes before he threw himself back into the front seat and slammed the door closed. He took a deep breath, gripped the steering wheel, and but his poor, defiled baby into gear.

"Someone find where the next goddamn auto shop is."

All four passengers whipped out their cell phones in a panic.


End file.
